I feel like I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I’ll admit, I do have major pride issues, and that gets in the way of many things. Plus i’m really stubborn and hard headed. For example, if I have to prove to someone that I want to be with them, I won’t. Not because I don’t want to, but because it’s hard to. I feel like you should know that I want to be with you. Especially when I say I do, and for the fact that I do say I love you, and mean it 110%. It’s up to you whether or not to believe me. I know actions speak louder than words, and I’ll admit, no action on my part. Like I said, it’s just hard for me to prove myself. Especially when I feel like I already have in the past, though this is the present. I know. It’s just hard. I’ve done this before in a past relationship. I tried my hardest, always proving myself. But in the end, we parted ways. All that time, effort, and emotions put into something that didn’t work out in the end. Maybe I’m just scared, but that’s no excuse. I know it’s “easy” to show or prove to someone that you want to be with them, and that you care. But it’s hard for me. Everyone is different. I don’t know. Everything takes time, it does. Slow and steady. Yes, I’m the tortoise. Good things come to those who wait. I just wished you would have given me time.
I was just browsing through my pictures, and I noticed and realized how much I used to smile. And I wonder why I don’t smile like that anymore. I thought about it, and it’s because I’m not happy. I mean yes, I am happy. But I’m not happy with myself, therefor I have nothing to smile about. Sad, but that’s just how I see it. I know in due time that’ll change. But at the moment, it will stay the same. I can’t wait until that day, where I can smile once again. Not fake a smile, but to actually be able to smile because I’m happy with myself, and just completely happy in general. :]
Bleh. I really don’t know why I feel like this. I feel so confused… I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost in my current relationship. I mean don’t get me wrong, this person makes me so happy, and I love my baby to death. But… Well that’s just it, there isn’t supposed to be a “but”. There’s no, “I love you but…”. It’s just supposed to be, ”I love you”. Plain and simple. But who’s to say how something is supposed to be. No one really knows how something is “supposed to be”. Every relationship is different. Though in your mind you think, “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be”. Am I right? But like I said, how do you really how something is supposed to be. You don’t. Nothing is ever written in stone. You choose whether or not something is “supposed to be”. Something that you may think isn’t supposed to be, just might be how it actually is meant to be. Either it’s for a short while, a phase, or maybe just a challenge. A challenge that you have to face to better both yourself and the relationship in the end. I always try to be the positive thinker. I go by “everything happens for a reason, if it happens it happens”, or “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be”. But honestly, everything is a choice. Unless you were born this way of course. But other than that, it’s a choice. To go left, to turn right, or to just go straight? So to speak. I might try to always think positive, but when times get rough, and I’ve got too much on my plate, I get discouraged, doubtful, and negative. You know that feeling when you overthink and think way too much, that you just get to the point where you’re completely paranoid? Yeah. I do that a lot. Not very fun, I’d say. But hey, everything is a learning process. I’m learning, slow and steady right? Yeah. Sometimes you just need a breather. A calm quiet space, to just think, and really look at everything in a different perspective. Usually that’s what vacation is for, but not everyone can just hop on a plane. I’ve always had people tell me to always think positive and never give up. I’ve always told myself that, but I never take my own advice. Always see something through, all the way up till’ the very end. Regardless of the current situation, all the arguements, fighting, disagreements, confusion, doubts, pain, and so forth. There’s one thing that you need to consider. Do you love this person? And how much? Because I Love you more than you know. Never give up on something or someone that you truly love. I’ll always try to remember that, but if I do forget, I hope that you’ll be there to remind me. Never give up Hope. Because hope is the only thing that people hold onto when everything goes wrong, and when you no longer have faith in yourself, your other half, or your relationship. Love & Hope is what keeps me going. Hopefully in the end, I’ll still have both.”Sigh”